Your cut out & keep guide to Big Tech talking points in a new age of antitrust

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With tech giants facing caller laws and enforcements aimed astatine cutting their empires down to size, a lobbying frenzy replete pinch wildly binary claims is underway. Confused by nan warfare of words? We trim to nan pursuit pinch a no-nonsense glossary of Big Tech’s apical whines…

As nan likes of Amazon, Apple, Google, Meta, Microsoft and TikTok look unprecedented (yes, actually!) scrutiny from lawmakers and rule enforcers astir nan world, lobbyists are moving overtime to put a self-serving rotation connected entrenched, profit-extracting machinery.

Their job? Apply precocious gloss, pro-competition narratives to cloak accusations of naked monopoly. The goal? Seek to crook caller rules, specified arsenic nan EU’s Digital Markets Act, to fresh existing operations and business models to debar arsenic overmuch commercialized harm arsenic possible.

It’s each astir fending disconnected wrecking-ball enforcement — and new, targeted laws — which could unit nan world’s astir valuable companies to dismantle nan chokepoints they’ve built to make money, ingest information and seizure attention.

But there’s an moreover greater nightmare for Big Tech: The break-up of established empires whitethorn beryllium connected nan cards.

Platform PR ops — which you tin trace done charismatic blog posts, user-facing messaging, regulatory filings and much — activity to reframe Big Tech’s actions arsenic beneficent and stain-free. As specified their contortions tin beryllium highly gymnastic. It’s adjacent to opportunity commercialized juggernauts are agelong practiced successful nan acheronian creation of doublespeak, pinch accusations of unfair behavior making love backmost decades successful immoderate cases.

This whitethorn explicate why immoderate of nan protect claims put retired successful consequence to dialled-up regulatory attraction are truthful familiar. But it’s imaginable to spot newer concoctions, excessively — specified arsenic talk of muscular caller EU marketplace contestability laws demanding “difficult trade-offs”. (Rough translation: ‘Our compliance will degrade nan work successful a measurement that’s intended to annoy you because we want you to kick astir nan law.’)

Amid each nan noise, 1 point looks clear: The regulatory consequence is yet real.

As nan world’s astir valuable companies salary flacks to travel up pinch semantic strategies to overgarment their marketplace powerfulness arsenic nothing-to-see-here, bully ol’ business-as-usual, we coming immoderate plain English translations of commonly seen Big Tech talking points…

“our level is basal for mini businesses to scope consumers”
gatekeeping is our statement of business

“our interests are aligned pinch thousands of mini and medium-sized businesses”
we’re besides successful rent collection

“we person built a safe and trusted spot for users”
rent’s due!

“we create a magical acquisition for our users”
don’t touch our rents

“we judge successful nan free market”
we’ll do immoderate we want until we’re made to stop

“we compete pinch a wide assortment of services”
we crush arsenic overmuch title arsenic we can, arsenic accelerated arsenic we can

“we look aggravated competition”
sometimes it takes america longer than we’d for illustration to crush nan competition

“we judge title is bully for our economy”
baby, we ARE nan economy!

“we’re taking a compliance-first approach”
we’re looking retired for No.1

“we return your privateness seriously”
we’re utilizing your information

“we return nan information of your accusation seriously”
we want exclusive entree to your information

“we are committed to keeping people’s accusation backstage and secure”
we want exclusive entree to everyone’s accusation — and, btw, if you usage nan web we’re search you

“privacy fundamentalists”
literally anyone who cares astir privacy; typically denotes a European

“we connection unprecedented choice”
you get nary choice

“we’re offering a clear choice”
you decidedly get nary choice

“you tin easy move your default”
good luck uncovering nan setting!

“manage your consent choices”
we make it really hard/impossible for you to extremity america search you

“there’s a deficiency of clear regulatory guidance”
we’ll do immoderate we want until we’re made to stop

“we request much clarity astir really to comply”
we’ll do immoderate we want until we’re made to stop

“we’re complying pinch nan law”
we’re not — but make america stop, punk

“the regulatory scenery is evolving”
we’re breaking nan law

“we stay committed to complying pinch nan law”
we collapsed nan law

“it addresses nan latest regulatory developments, guidance and judgements”
we’re breaking nan rule — but make america stop, punk

“new ways to negociate your data”
we sewage caught breaking nan law

“subscription for nary ads”
we recovered a caller measurement to disregard nan law

“opt-out process”
we way you by default

“help center”
unhelpful by default

“the caller rules impact difficult trade-offs”
our compliance will degrade nan work successful a measurement that’s intended to annoy you because we want you to kick astir nan law

“we judge successful a free, ad-supported internet”
we intend to support search you, profiling you and trading your attraction to anyone who pays us

“personalized advertising”
surveillance advertising, aka tracking

“relevant ads”
tracking

“personalized products”
tracking

“relevant content”
tracking

“personalization”
tracking

“personal information that is collected astir your relationship tin beryllium shared crossed linked services”
tracking

“an inclusive net wherever everyone tin entree online contented and services for free”
our business exemplary requires privateness to beryllium an unaffordable luxury because you’re nan product

“free services”
in this discourse conscionable different measurement of saying we’re search you

“a measurement for group to consent to information processing for personalized advertising”
a system for search truthful fiendishly simplistic to activate a kid already has

“the validity of our attack has been validated by galore authorities”
we’re breaking nan rule successful a caller measurement truthful regulators haven’t caught up yet

“information sharing”
yep, that’s us, normalizing really we’re taking your backstage accusation and doing what we want pinch it again!

“we do not waste your information”
we waste your attention

“manage really your information is utilized to pass ads”
there’s nary measurement to extremity america abusing your privacy

“ad preferences”
there’s nary measurement to extremity america abusing your privacy

“privacy center”
srsly, there’s nary measurement to extremity america abusing your privateness and we’re conscionable trolling you now!

“why americium I seeing this ad?”
because we tracked you

“why are we doing this?”
to support search you for 🤑 

“publicly disposable information”
stuff we stole